me and may 17 – 9:36 pm (klonopin and paper)

while i am still somewhat coherent this evening i really want to thank those who continue to read this blog – and those who have so graciously followed me over to the other blog as well. i know i am really shit when it comes to commenting on others – to be honest, i always feel like i don’t have anything to add, or that whatever i write will sound so generic and fake. it never is. i read a lot of your blogs, and they help so much. i almost feel like i am cheapening my reaction when commenting. so please, don’t take it personally. i try and comment as much as i can, especially when i feel like i can add something constructive. but i will at least “like” the entry – and when i do that, just know that i REALLY liked that entry.

still though, i should be better. i will.

 

that being said – i’ve upped medications after the fiasco last week. trying to get back in the habit/routine of taking my meds the way i should. i have a bad tendency – especially when i am trying to not drink – of getting frustrated and taking maybe more than i should. not in a dangerous way, but something about half or one extra pill can sometimes do enough to calm me down.

for god’s sake, don’t freak out.

 

don’t be me.

don’t get too scared.

don’t worry constantly.

don’t drown yourself in guilt.

don’t. just don’t.

life is too short?

 

my fucking empathy.

i can’t wait to get the hell out of here.

i can’t wait to dream.

 

almost finished with the disability form. hopefully my years spent being honest and paying the government what they asked will reward me with just a bit of help. i imagine wonderful things like being able to afford my medications without wondering who i might be forced to suck off in a dark alley. i imagine new and improved therapy options.

i imagine having my brain zapped while my solid body seizes inside of itself.

and to be honest, i also imagine opening my wrists in a shitty, nondescript fucking motel where my arms will turn black and rot before they find me – a strange smile on my face that is wrinkled and frozen. a maid who doesn’t make nearly enough money. maybe it will be just what she needs to retire, go home, and hug her children that fortunately aren’t fated to end sad.

 

just so this isn’t a total bummer…

here is me and brian griffin.

 

 

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~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2012/05/17.

7 Responses to “me and may 17 – 9:36 pm (klonopin and paper)”

  1. Ahh, hello Brian Griffin! And hello Sean!

  2. BEST PIC EVER!!! I’ve been missing you my friend. ♥

  3. Good luck with disability, I had a nightmare with them and just gave up. Love reading both blogs.

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