alltheavenueslookugly

i won’t lie and pretend like things have even been close to okay lately.

i’ve slacked and not only not kept up with the blogs i enjoy reading, but obviously this one as well. to all those who take the time to read and comment here, i thank you, and promise i will soon be back to a regular correspondence.

here are the facts:

woke up at 4 a.m. on monday morning just as it happens and it is now 5;15 on tuesday.

i’ve slept a little over an hour since 4 a.m. on monday.

 

last night there was something. it was overwhelming and i was up all night. i was drinking, but obviously not enough since i didn’t pass out. suddenly it was 7 a.m. this morning and i had to go see my psychiatrist at 8:15. if i missed the appointment i would be charged for it, plus i was out of my medication and the events of the past few weeks have thrown off my meds and i haven’t been taking them as i should. instead, i’ve been covering the pain in alcohol. i was ready to drive myself through bullshit houston traffic this morning, but fortunately my brother woke up and drove me instead. i was in no state to operate a vehicle although i could put my shoes on properly and remembered to brush my teeth. upon arrival, the front desk lady – who is such a fantastic woman – could tell something was off. i didn’t blame her. i had been crying and i probably reeked of booze. she put her hand on my arm and told me things would be okay.

when the doctor came to get me i promptly informed him that i was intoxicated and fucking hurting and he needed to fix it. i told him self-harm was on the way. he told me to stay away from booze and knives. he told me he didn’t want me to fuck around and lose my job by cutting myself and possibly severing a tendon or muscle – which could leave me without the use of my hands and obviously ending my career doing hair. i told him i had been cutting since i was ten years old and knew what i was doing. as if it were something to fucking brag about. a special talent that is only put on the resume when you cannot think of anything else to say.

‘what skills do i have? well, you’ll be happy to know that i know exactly how and where to cut myself so that i get the maximum amount of pain that i deserve while keeping all tendons and muscles intact. i am also well-versed in the art of dressing a wound so that it heals up fairly nice and just adds yet another faded white scar to the scattered lot on my arms.  i’m pretty sure that could qualify me for some sort of surgery job. i also enjoy reading books and obsessively organizing my massive i-tunes library.’

he told me if i felt like hurting myself i should just grab a handful of ice and hold it until it became too much to handle. that way, i could still feel that rush, but it wouldn’t cause permanent damage.

doctor misses the point sometimes. but that is okay. he’s a good guy.

i told him i would make no promises and he wrote me my prescriptions – increasing my clonazepam to 40mg daily which he said was the maximum dose he felt comfortable prescribing. he made sure to tell me that i was not to be drinking if i were taking this, as he warned that doing so could cause me to pull a ‘michael jackson.’ i asked him if that meant that a side effect of the drug meant i would develop a fondness for little boys. he laughed, and i am pretty sure it was just to be polite. then he said he was serious. the combo could fucking kill me.

i told him i was fine with not drinking as long as the meds did enough to keep the demons away. instead of scheduling for next month like normal, he insisted i come back in one week. he also said he would be calling me in a couple of days to make sure i was okay.

so here i am. i’ve been awake for almost 37 hours. i’ve been drinking non-stop to silence my mind, but i don’t feel drunk. i just feel a bit calmer. i am so tired but nowhere near sleep. in fact, i’m scared of it creeping up on me.

this isn’t right.

and calling me a fucking mess just doesn’t do it justice.

 

mini playlist for today

 

lana del rey – video games

modest mouse – the world at large

siouxsie & the banshees – kiss them for me

sonic youth – the diamond sea

daniel johnston – true love will find you in the end

interpol -slow hands

prince – let’s go crazy

the walkmen – they’re winning

 

 

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2012/05/08.

Posted in may