me and april 24 – new york
it is 2:32 in the morning and i am writing notes for my book by candlelight in a bar near little italy – which i find completely lame. no need to remind me. – (cliche bullshit)
just remember, guys. everybody isn’t happy and nobody would believe that anyway. not everybody is capable of digging themselves out of the hole their mind has dug for them –
all attempts seem useless, even as i get lost in this city that i love and that seems to be the central theme. i want to get lost. i want to let this illness beat the fucking shit out of me until i have nothing left. i want to be kicked around like the person that i feel i am. i want to jerk off to invisible friends that pass by me in the street and refuse to wave to a stranger –
now is a perfect moment to die and i hate to waste it by second guessing myself and arguing about an answer to a riddle that should have been solved when i was eleven years old and staring out at the world – and had i known that everyone would be full of shit when they claimed it would get better (common response when honesty can’t embrace you) i would have ended it then.
i had the river. i had the cemetary and the clubhouse we created in the shrubs.
sometimes to dream i drowned in that river with the crawfish nipping at my ears.
fuck it and let us see how long it can last. my epitaph will be short verse to say that i am sorry.
(no preacher and burn ugly body before i look worse.)
alltheavenueslookugly 
I don’t just want to “like” this post and say nothing. It’s clear you are deep in depression, writing it out is good, I think, to help yourself, and to help others understand the depth of it. I’m not going to say it will get better. it did for me, but it doesn’t for all people.
I just wanted to stop by an acknowledge your pain and your writing.
i appreciate it, and thank you for reading. i totally understand what you mean. 🙂
You better not forget the plans my friend. That is all I am saying.
AND, so you know… I want a viewing. You will be old and wrinkly by then but damnit, if i am still alive I want to have a viewing! No burning. ♥
Sorry…NYC IS that perfect place for whatever…if you really want a trip, check yourself into Brooklyn Community College Medical – the clinicians are much more demented than any of us could ever be…enjoy NYC & home safe.
i love the city so much, and next time i am there i may have to check out BCCM…just out of curiosity.
It’s hilarious – all the doctors are from India – which isn’t the hilarious part. The hilarious part is the cultural divide. What’s unstable behavior is not unstable in the US – but they don’t know that. I’ll have to post about it, you’ll laugh at the story…back in TX? I actually love Texas. But have no idea about availability of quality mental health care there – my experiences in Manhattan/Brooklyn were AWFUL compared with Mass. Doesn’t sound like you’ve managed to find anything helpful in TX 😦 Come to Mass!
Get it all out Sean.. I think it’ll do you good.
thank you, friend. 🙂
🙂