alltheavenueslookugly

for those who know me personally, please know that i have talked with my girlfriend before posting this for everyone to see. in the past, i have shied away from bringing others into this – for reasons i have explained earlier – but feel like it is such an important aspect of the condition. i do this with her blessing, and i ask that if you know her, please just be respectful. also, if you plan on judging me in any way after reading this, that’s your decision. if there is the possibility that by me talking about this, somebody can recognize it in their own life, either in themselves or someone they care about (which i was never able to do) then it is worth the judgement of a few.

there is another post being worked on as well. in it, i plan on discussing how the disorders and medications i have taken have affected me sexually throughout my life. it’s an embarrassing but very real part of the disease, and i intend to be completely honest.  i’ve also talked to her about this, and she has been generous enough to let me post about it, even though it is something extremely private.

i know that there is the possibility that some of you who are reading this will be people i have hurt. all i can say is that i am sorry. it’s taken me years to begin to try and understand why i have done nothing but hurt people for my whole life, and even after understanding it, i still don’t understand it. i didn’t know how to say it, how to explain why i felt the way i did. i know that some of you still believe me to be an asshole. a cold, unforgivable, asshole. i understand why. there are a handful of people in the world that i wish had never met me, only because of the pain i have caused you at some point in our lives. it wasn’t intentional, and i am so sorry for it.

i’ve been with my girlfriend for nearly three years now. it is the longest relationship i have ever been in, and a large part of that is due to her not giving up, not leaving me, and for putting up with shit that most people would not. she does the best she can, and it is way beyond what i would expect anyone to be capable of when it comes to me. she is a great person that doesn’t deserve this. and i know she loves me.

so naturally, i pull the fuck away.

this posts is a long time coming. and one of the hardest to write.

even single relationship i have ever had has failed. some have faded quietly away and others have exploded – sending small pieces of disaster into both my brain and my heart. there have been people who have loved me. they have accepted me and did the best that they knew how to do, considering the situation.

while allowing for the fact that sometimes it was something as simple as incompatibility, e.g., the pentecostal girl who tolerated me for a few weeks until she realized i wasn’t going to start believing in jesus, i am also forced to admit that most of these were destroyed by me. and out of those, most were destroyed by me because the other person just cared too much.

i realize how silly this sounds, and i also realize that it should be as simple as just saying, “sean, quit being a fucking idiot. you deserve to be happy. love is great. so stop doing that dumb shit.”

unfortunately i don’t know how to do that. it seems to be a switch that can’t – and/or won’t – be turned off. years of therapy. i know how professionals say you should deal with this problem, however, it’s always much easier to give out that advice when you are not personally invested in it. don’t think for a second that over the years i haven’t tried to recognize things, do them differently later, blah blah blah and the self-hating lonely part of me cheers when it is finally over. when i’ve crushed myself and somebody else. when i have admitted defeat. there is a part of me, an enormous part of me, that knows i don’t belong in a romantic relationship with anybody.

‘you have to love yourself before you can love somebody else.’

there is a certain amount of bullshit in this statement.

i can love others. i can love deeply. i can love like a normal human being loves. often, i will put that ahead of my own feelings – easier to do when your own feelings aren’t much better than piss – and while this can go on for some time, it will eventually catch up with me. and then the resentment starts. it’s shit to try and explain and understand. i hate confrontation. i hate hurting somebody’s feelings. sometimes i feel it’s better to just swallow things and add them to the list of reasons that jumping in front of a speeding bus sounds appealing. i will usually find a way to turn it against myself and that makes it easier to take. if you feel like a piece of shit, it’s easier to accept the blame for things.

i understand that this can backfire. it does. absolutely.

be aware, that this is just my experience, and not reflective of everyone with these diseases.

the overall biggest problem stems from my instability in moods, my hatred for myself, and my uncontrollable tendency to think the world of somebody at one moment and then suddenly fall into a hole where i see them as controlling, manipulative, and out to get me. this switch goes on and off in the same way that my overall mood does, so there is no stopping it, no reasoning with it, no way to tell myself that i am being stupid. it comes, and when it does, no amount of self-assurance can change it. it can last for minutes, or days, or months.

it’s been a long time.

i know my girlfriend loves me. i really really do. but then i will get a look, a change in tone of voice, or even a simple fucking question about nothing important…and it is on. and i don’t know what to do when it does. i ignore her and isolate myself, which is next to impossible in our house, and ride it out. however, due to the fact that to get to our bathroom you must go through our bedroom – and the fact that normal human beings must use the restroom at times – she is required to pass me. it’s hard. what does she say? does she keep her head down and not acknowledge me? does she try and comfort me, hug me, and possibly pull me out of whatever stupid spell i happen to be under?

no. fuck no. none of those things. there is no right answer, and every wrong answer sends me into a fresh panic. if she leaves me alone, it just reassures me that i am indeed right, that i am fucking up her day and most likely her life. if she tries to touch me, to hug me, i freeze. i don’t want to be touched, especially at that moment. i don’t want her to show me that she cares, because for some reason it hurts me.

is she supposed to understand this and know exactly how to act? of course not.

is she supposed to understand this and know exactly how to act? most definitely.

so what happens?

i pull away. i pull away for so many reasons. i pull away because as much as i want to be loved, to feel that feeling, to believe it…i don’t want it. i fucking do not want it at all. i pull away because i care so deeply about her and see her having to live and stick with somebody who is most definitely broken, and it hurts me. i try so hard to look at the positive things, but it’s so hard for me to see it. i pull away because i feel like a horrible piece of shit, because i am treating her this way. i try so hard to be a good person. i really really try. and for me to act like this to her…it kills me.it really does.

i could tell her to go, to leave me alone, and just let me be goddamn sad. in the past, when these feelings would start – usually right when the relationship is going best – i would begin drifting away. i did try, with a couple of girls, to explain how i was feeling.

believe it or not, telling somebody that while you love them, there are moments when you cannot stand the thought of them. that everything they do annoys you to torturous degrees, and that you don’t want to talk, or touch, or even be in the same room as them, but that you still care for them and have no idea why you feel this way…

yeah, it never went well. so i stopped trying to talk it out and just accepted the inevitable. and that, my friends, is fucking hard. i got to the point where i would rather them just think i was a prick, than to go on unintentionally hurting their feelings and dragging it out.

i don’t blame them for hating me. i don’t blame them for thinking that i am the kind of person who gets off on getting girls to fall for him, and then rips out their hearts. but i don’t. not one single bit. it hurt me then, and it hurts me today – long after they have possibly forgotten all about me. it will hurt me forever. please know that.

i could tell her to go…but she loves me too much to give up on me. she wants to fight. and as much as i admire that, it still doesn’t change how i feel. i love her, and will always love her, no matter what. i don’t want the day to come when i don’t know how to deal with this aspect of it, and all the resentment, anger, sadness, etc. comes out. that scares me.

in my opinion, i should have given up trying relationships a long time ago. as much as i yearn for that experience – it isn’t fair to the other person.

i know men and women. i talk to them all day, and listen as they share things with me. i hear stories about guys/girls who beat girls/guys, who cheat on them, who go out of their way to viciously attack them, to make fun of them, and i at least can feel a bit of comfort knowing that i am not one of them.

but that doesn’t make things better.

it just makes me an asshole who knows that he is an asshole.

and i’m so sorry.

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2012/04/13.

Posted in april