me and april 11 – the birthday post

hating your birthday is so lame. i know it.

but i do.

i think it comes from me being so uncomfortable with the attention.

however, there is another reason. a big part of it comes from the fact that – at least for me – once you have honestly tried to end your life (especially more than twice) you come to view life in a completely different way. some of us get the hint and maybe find jesus and learn the lesson that we were negative and unappreciative of this wonderful gift and now cannot stop recognizing the beauty that exists in every facet of life.

that applies to some of us.

and then there are people like me.

 

suicidal – creating plan in head or being aware that mind is ready to end itself in horrible (maybe messy) manner and begin writing goodbye notes and/or picking out the perfect music to be the soundtrack to your exit.

me – not being proactive in making suicide happen but completely fine with the idea of dying as an alternative to feeling a dragging sour pain in all inches of brain and heart. is known to daydream about no dream after closing eyes at night and never waking up and most likely already has the soundtrack ready (or at least a good lineup to choose from at a moment’s notice)

 

i wish i loved my birthday. i wish i didn’t feel like crying all day and knowing that each message of happy birthday i received was become somebody cared enough to take either 2 seconds or 20 minutes out of their day to make sure they expressed it to me.

it would warm my heart for exactly the amount of time afterward that i wished i hadn’t read/heard it.

for some reason i just cannot find it in myself to accept that i deserve for so many people to actually give a shit about me.

 

alternate post:

made it through another year. goddamn.

 


seriously, thank you all for your good wishes. if i never heard them the decision to keep going would not be nearly as difficult to make.

Advertisements

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2012/04/11.

10 Responses to “me and april 11 – the birthday post”

  1. I hate my birthday too for similar reasons – it’s hard not to when you have to put up with all the shit that illness brings.

    I hope you have/had/will have as non-crap a day as possible 🙂 You deserve good things.

    Take care

    Viv x

  2. Agree whole heartedly, and, Happy Birthday.
    It’s thinking what it would do to my husband that stops me, only that. I know how I’ll do it, I have the means to do it, I’ve said what sort of funeral I’d like, but it’s just the thought of my husband. It shows that you’re a good person, a liked person that people bothered to say happy birthday. They didn’t have to

    • thank you!
      yeah, i have one or two people in my head that i silently turn to when things get super hard, and the thought of them often keeps me from doing something. but it has to go to a super dark place.
      and you are absolutely right. they didn’t have to, and i definitely keep that in mind. it makes those wishes all the more special.

  3. Happy birthday! Congratulations on making it through another year! WIshing you a better year ahead!

  4. Birthday hater! I hate them too
    … but for a different reason… and plus… I wrote out the beginning of a ridiculous b-day song to you. Ha! Take it and LIKE it son! ♥
    p.s. I do wish you felt better… you are a GREAT person and I want you to know some happiness. I am hoping for that day to come along sooner than later. ♥

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: