me and april 06

withdrawal symptoms fading though i still cannot eat properly – had just a couple of small meals since monday that i have to eat very very slowly in order not to vomit uncontrollably all over the fucking room. the thought of food makes me sick and i don’t know if that is caused by the huge amount of stress i have right now or if it is still related to the trileptal issue from last weekend. normally i am a sad eater – see, one who can still eat when incredibly sad. i have been trying to drink water and alternate with pepto bismol to keep away the starving feeling and horrible heartburn that comes when you don’t eat. last night i spent half an hour vomiting water and pieces of whatever little food might have been in my stomach. went to bed early to try and calm my stomach and mind.

still so much in my head.

i will be super busy at work today, so hope i can just make it until saturday afternoon when my week is done and i can relax a bit, find a comfortable spot on either my couch or bed and try and heal myself. i’ve been thinking too much about self-injury, about going back to that old friend who i haven’t seen in a few years. the urge will never go away. it’s always there as an option. a ridiculous and sexy option.

my days lately have been a marathon run to make it through. each hour is another mile that i just push through until i can drive home and isolate myself. the isolation freedom has helped me so much. i hear often that when one is depressed and flirting with the idea of death – to be clear, not suicidal, but more like early death fantasies – that they should surround themselves with others. be around others to help keep out of your own head. do something fun! take a stroll around the block and wave ‘howdy’ to your neighbors! or if not, at least be in somebody’s company.

that doesn’t work for me. in fact, it does the absolute opposite. when i am feeling exceptionally shitty, i just want to be alone. i don’t want to see anybody else, talk to anybody else, or feel obligated to be anything but a stoned-looking fat pile of uncommunicative shit. i can put a movie on a loop, watch it eleven times in a row and keep my mind occupied with whatever. keeping to myself works for me as well as anything can. i can make the room dark, the only light coming from the glow of the television or the laptop. i can imagine monsters and ghosts of myself in the corners of the room, staring at me.

sometimes i feel safe when i pull the covers over my head and think about comedy shows and drowning in random motel bathtubs.

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2012/04/06.

7 Responses to “me and april 06”

  1. Interesting.. I have a similar drowning theme goin on.
    I also love to be alone when feeling like crap… it will take all my strength to be around people though when I do, I can usually put on a good show so they cannot even tell something is wrong. It is all heard in my tone of voice though.
    I hope the withdrawals end soon… throwing up pepto is nasty shit my friend.My weekend will be busy… UGH. Stupid bday and Easter. I just want my own apartment… a roommate that leaves me be… and silence. I feel ya.

  2. I also know that feeling of isolating and just being left alone. Its a double edged sword. Please take care of yourself, do it safely and if the weather is good and you can feel the sunshine on your face, embrace that, feel that. Smell the flowers, or the fresh cut lawns in your neighborhood, Touch a tree.

  3. Agreeee! “come on, let’s go out and cheer you up” argh!!! I just want to sit and watch endless reruns. I don’t want to put on false smiles.

  4. Chin up Sean. πŸ™‚

    Isolation also used to be my best friend but I got out of it once being in the hospital. Even then, I push myself away from others, keep a distance. Spend no time in communal areas, can’t really take it and don’t want to do it either. I know where you are coming from.

    I again hope that the med changes are going to be positive for you. Slowly slowly, but surely.

    The Quiet Borderline

  5. Oh dear – this one made me smile – is that totally inappropriate? Sorry – what I meant was – Howdy, WordPress neighbor! It is actually nice to encounter Comrades in Broken on here though πŸ™‚

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