alltheavenueslookugly

i cried in front of the doctor last week and told him everything. i told him i hated the oxcarbazepine that i had been taking – that it made me such a mess and i have wanted seriously to die for the past month or two and something drastic needed to happen. he told me to stop that medication and we are trying the aripiprazole again. i’ve tried it before but had to stop because i had horrible akathisia. so he put me on beta blockers to help with the heart palpitations i’ve been having, the uncontrollable shaking, and to offset the akathisia that comes with the aripiprazole.

there has been so much stress recently. stress that weighs a million pounds and not only has it been crushing me but i can also taste it and smell it and it goddamn never rises up a little, never gives me just a moment to breathe. this stress would be a lot more manageable if i didn’t have the mental illness. but i do.

i stopped the oxcarbazepine. i didn’t think to ask him if i should wean off it, and he didn’t tell me i should – maybe assuming that i knew better. but i stopped on friday. by sunday, everything was fucked. my dad came in to town to visit – i haven’t seen him in over 3 years – and the withdrawal symptoms kicked in. it was horrible. i spent sunday until last night in some sort of imaginary bullshit world where there was doom all around me. my lips and hands were numb. i was super paranoid. i wanted nothing more than to be alone, to sit in my room. i couldn’t. my dad wanted to hang out, to go do normal bullshit like have lunch, and go walk around places. i wanted that too. and i couldn’t. my natural guilt kicked in. i felt horrible that he came to visit and we spent most of the time in the living room – me curled up on the couch, shaking and scared. he never gave me shit about it. somehow that made it worse. when he left on monday night i was relieved. and i hated myself for feeling that way. i love my dad and it was great to see him, and i didn’t want him to have to watch me this way. these last few days have been so horrible in so many ways.

i wish i could explain things to people i care about. i wish i could explain just how my brain works – all the little goddamn bits of crazy and interesting/tragic reasoning that goes on. maybe people would understand more why i make the decisions i make. maybe people would know that i am trying my hardest.  my life will not be normal. i am tired of hurting people because of the decisions, the ways i cope, the ways i try to understand myself. i want things, but i don’t know how to hold on to them. i love them, and then don’t want to hurt them. but i do. as much as i try not to. i will pull away. i will isolate. because i care so much.

all i am trying to do right now is stay alive.

and again, i spend a lot of time wondering just why the fuck i am doing that.

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2012/04/04.

Posted in april