me and march 21

i remember once being in one of the hospitals. my arms were bandaged. i had numerous cuts beneath those bandages.

they were still fresh. they still had that burning feeling. it’s similar to the burn you feel when you step into the shower the day after you get a tattoo. when the warm water hits it. that burn.

i was sitting across from a therapist. a new one. i didn’t know this person. this person was fucking stupid, as far as i was concerned.

“where do you see yourself in five years, sean?”

i have become so sick of that question. that question will never, ever be okay with me for as long as i live. years of therapy have made that question intolerable.

i had no answer. at least not one that he wanted to hear.

you see, it’s impossible to imagine years from now. it’s impossible to imagine one year from now.

i have gotten to a point where i have to live day to day. it sucks. i realize that. it’s even hard for me to get excited about something that is planned for a month or two from now. it’s just the way i am. it’s taken me a long time to realize that this doesn’t make me a negative person, or someone who has given up all hope.

the idea or possibility of suicide is a very real part of my life. every single day. i concentrate so hard on making it through today. i have no room for tomorrow. tomorrow may or may not come. i guess i will deal with that when it comes.

taking the medication. seeing the doctor. trying to laugh. writing this blog. it’s all i can do to try and reach tomorrow.

i do imagine a future. but i look at it the same way people imagine what they would do if they won the lottery. at this point, the odds of me being a happy person – one who doesn’t have to wrestle with these very scary, sad, and sick thoughts – are probably as good as the odds of you guys winning the lottery.

i haven’t given up hope yet. there are those of you who still buy lottery tickets.

maybe someday if you play long enough, you’ll win.

or maybe one day you will wake up, realize you are never going to win, stop buying tickets, and just accept that it isn’t going to happen.

so you might understand.

 

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~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2012/03/21.

7 Responses to “me and march 21”

  1. You touched on a couple points that are actually positive. 🙂 I can’t imagine 1 yr from now, nor 5. I take it day by day because that is the ONLY way to truly live. Make the most of the day you are in… even if that day isn’t the best. Tomorrow may never come, not because I will kill myself but other nasty death situations out of my control could happen. All we have is right this moment. Make it a good one… jerk off if you like, if it makes you happy. 🙂 Do something each day that makes you somewhat happy.
    Do you have a gratitude list??

    • i don’t. is it just a list of things one is thankful for??

      • Yep… mine started with 4 items only… my kids names! LOL. But as something smacks your brain and reminds you (oh, I like to breathe easy), you add it to your list. It is something to look back on when you are having a hell of a day. ♥

  2. I believe in you. And I’m not just saying that to be soppy and suck up to you. You do not only hold such strength but you are also deserving or so much too. You don’t deserve to be going through this pain and suffering.

    Please reach out for help wherever you can.

    And look after yourself,

    The Quiet Borderline
    http://quitebpd.wordpress.com/

  3. i’m glad one of us can see it. i’ll just have to follow you so i don’t get lost. 🙂

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