me and february 27

i don’t know if i am more scared of dying or living at this point.

the thing about dying that frightens me is knowing that it is happening. since i was young i’ve always felt that i was going to die in a car wreck. i can’t get more specific about it, because i don’t really know anything more than that. it started after an accident i was in when i was a kid. since then i have had dreams about it, and just felt like that is going to be the way i go out. but what bothers me about it is the possibility that it will be stretched out over hours and i will feel everything. when i go, i just want to go. i don’t need any suspense.

so then i begin to wonder if the reason my suicide attempts were unsuccessful was because it just wasn’t the way i was supposed to go.

i don’t know.

what i do know is that it has nothing to do with god/jesus/zombie-jesus/moses/a giant boat/adam and eve…none of it.

 

knowing that you will live in pain every day is a hard pill to swallow (no pun intended) and no matter what you do, sometimes you can’t shake that. i wish it could happen. i wish i could wake up in the morning and make the decision that it wasn’t going to get me down. as i type this i realize that maybe i do that. maybe the way i am is the best i will feel for that day. maybe some days my best is still a world of shitty.

i do laugh. i find things funny (zombie-jesus.) i go up and down. some days are worse than others. no day is ever great.

after twenty years, maybe i just need to accept that this is the best that i can expect, and then i need to make the decision whether or not it is enough. i try to be realistic. i don’t think i ask for too much. or maybe i do.

who the fuck knows…

Advertisements

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2012/02/27.

13 Responses to “me and february 27”

  1. you don’t realize the lives you are touching by writing this. Maybe your purpose in life is to be the one who can totally empathize with others going through the same hell, and be the one who can express on paper what they feel, yet have no words to express it. Think of all who hold the pain inside, unable to release it, they look at what you put down on paper and can actually take a deep breath and say, “wow, that’s exactly how I feel” maybe I CAN release a little pain by putting down on paper how I feel like this man does…. I often question, why its you,? I don’t know. I only wish I could take it from you. you are loved by me, more and more each day.

  2. So sorry you have been in so much pain for so long. You really don’t deserve it.

    I wish there was something I could say to help you out. I’d say that there will be better days to come, but you’ve been in this for a long time.

    Do you see better days ahead of you? More better days than bad days?

    I am really sending you strength from the bottom of my heart and my best wishes for you.

    The Quiet Borderline
    http://quietbpd.wordpress.com/

    • i am so sorry. for some reason, wordpress put this comment in spam. 😦

      thank you for the well wishes. i don’t have a lot of hope right now, but i’m not really scared about that.

      whatever happens will happen. all i can do is try and make it through each day the best that i can.

      again, thank you for your support. 🙂

  3. I like your statement that your pain has nothing to do with “god/jesus/zombie-jesus/moses/a giant boat/adam and eve”. You’re so right-on about that.

    Yes, some days are plain shitty, but I hope for all of us that we don’t have to accept shitty as a way of going through life. And, my hope is real and practical and from my own lived experience that things are not always shitty. My hope is not guided by “god/jesus/zombie-jesus/moses/a giant boat/adam and eve”;)

    • there are definitely some shitty days when even getting out of bed, looking or talking to another person, even using the bathroom seems to be impossible…

      i’m just scared that even my best days aren’t going to be enough.

      i agree. i definitely choose to believe that whatever hope i have left is only from living with it for so long. i know every day won’t be the worst day ever. 🙂

  4. I ask myself the same question – why do I engage in this struggle every day of my life, knowing it may never get any better than it is right now. I think I’ve come to the conclusion that we fight because it’s the only thing we really know how to do. I don’t know how to give up. Every time I’ve tried I’ve failed. So every day I get up and fight again. Some days are victories, some days are utter failures. But you really don’t know when you get up in the morning which it’s going to be today. Keep hope alive, keep fighting.

    • thank you so much.

      you are exactly right. that’s why most people will never be able to understand. most people cannot grasp the idea that every moment of the day is a subconscious effort not to give up and end it all.

      i know it’s been rough for you lately as well. keep going. 🙂

  5. I completely understand how you feel. Maybe the car wreak thing is just residual fear of that accident you were in as a child. I have know people that were in brutal accidents and what I found interesting is that they do not recall most of it, not the pain or the exact accident. Maybe that is Gods way of preventing the suffering. Our minds way of protecting us.
    Living or dying?? I fear both. I fear what dying would do to my loved ones, and the finality of it. I am not sure if I believe in an afterlife, so I make the most, pain or not, of this life. This may be my heaven and hell. I wish I had more comforting words for you. I know the pain gets so brutal. It is cruel.
    Take each day as it comes. Try to hold on… hopefully the pain will dissipate. ♥

    • that’s a possibility. funny thing is, is that i remember everything about the accident. i remember the weather, the instant we hit the hole in the road, everything going black, and even what i was thinking as the car was rolling. there was a brief time when i blacked out, but even remembering waking up in the car.
      i agree though, the only about dying is what it would do to the people who care about me. other than that, i’m not bothered much. i cannot imagine that anything could be worse than this.
      i’ll just keep hanging on as long as i can. i’ll keep being inspired by you and the others who i have met. 🙂

  6. I’m going to pull out Dorothy Parker for this one:

    Razors pain you;
    Rivers are damp;
    Acids stain you;
    And drugs cause cramp.
    Guns aren’t lawful;
    Nooses give;
    Gas smells awful;
    You might as well live.

    I’ve determined, personally, that there is a reason that I exist. I don’t know it. It may be right in front of my eyes, it might be the simplest part of my life that I consider negligible or insignificant. It might not be a reality yet. But there is a reason why we stand here, despite multiple attempts.

    Some days, I feel like I’ve resigned myself to live this life. (Today is one of those, pardon me.) Other days, the better days, I’m grateful for my existence, and how I was unable to snuff it out. Anyway, our life is ours. If we’re “sentenced” to live, then why not do it? Really live, I mean, not just exist.

    • i love that dorothy parker quote.

      i see what you mean. i think about that often, whether or not there is a reason i am here. there could be. i hope so. even if it is only to write this blog and possibly help somebody. that would be okay with me. i’ve always been the type of person who is willing to suffer if it can help another person.

      but yes, i know exactly what you mean. 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: