me and february 17

a new medication increase and i am dazed in the rain having scary drive home and i left work in a hurry – afraid my mind would start leaking out of my ears and onto the floor and i couldn’t be around anybody any more because i wanted to either hug someone and not let go or scream at every body for no good reason at all.

the feeling hit me way after i took the meds. i could cry now.

it’s possible.


at this point in the trip i don’t care about anything but at the same time feel an overwhelming urge to check in with all of my friends and family to make sure they are all okay and this rain hasn’t affected them in a negative way.

i want nothing more than to lie down.

and then stand up.

and then fall.

and then close my eyes.

and then watch a really good movie.

and then tear all of my skin off.


my fellow bloggers are amazing. we are all trapped. we are all scarred in some way. they are able to see a light that i am not able to see – or maybe it’s just been so long since i have seen it that i forget what it looks like. but they talk about it. and sometimes i am able to remember that it is there.

oh goddamn. it’s –


my heart beats. my body is a big old disgusting mound of a prison for sadness and confusion criminals.

i can’t even tell if i am manic at this point. maybe i am completely sane and all of the world around me is one enormous hell scene being projected on the wall of a warehouse. i swallow and it is gross and dr. pepper and the aftertaste of lithium is somewhere in there. i don’t take lithium. maybe a stray ingredient.

this feels like ecstasy. without the love. but the shitty music that i will hear forever.

this is my illness. this is what it does. and there we go.

~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2012/02/17.

8 Responses to “me and february 17”

  1. Thanks for posting. I relate a lot.

    • thank you for reading, and thank you for blogging as well. sometimes it is enough to calm me down a bit just by checking out the other blogs and seeing that it is just as hard for others.

  2. I can’t really think of anything good or comforting to say, so I’ll just tell you that I’m very sorry to hear the med change isn’t working well yet and that you’re having such a rough time. If it would help to talk, feel free to email me. I’ll be here for you as best I can. And yes, the light really is still there, it just sometimes seems far away and dim. It always comes back. Stay safe.

    • thank you so much. there really isn’t anything anybody can say to make it better, but it is comforting to know there are people that are there and willing to listen. i do appreciate it. 🙂

  3. Very descriptive post Sean. I hope you aren’t talking bad about Dr. Pepper. 🙂 Is lithium a new drug added to the coctail?? I can’t remember…
    I hated lithium though, did nothing at all for me other than make me more depressed and lethargic. Misery.
    I hope you get to seeing the light. Maybe it will come with some stability, which I hope you get soon!! Nobody is normal… just throw that notion out the window. BUT, we can feel better than shit… a laugh, smile, we deserve to feel some happiness. Every day may not be “good”, but there is some good in every single day.
    Do you like flowers?? A friend once suggested to me that I add something beautiful, or something that I enjoy to my life each day. So when I go for walks, I pick flowers and I save them. They dry out and I add them to little cards that I make my children… it’s just something I enjoy. Maybe find some YOU enjoy and add it to your daily regimen… it may give you a smile or 2, and that would make it more than worth it. You deserve it. ♥

    • oh, i would never talk bad about dr. pepper!

      i haven’t been on lithium for a few years now, but i still remember how i felt and what it tasted like.

      i really try to grasp on to those little times of the day when i don’t feel completely horrible. they come and go, and i feel fortunate to recognize them and hold on to them as long as my mind will let me. strange, but for some reason i find myself being so down that i am not able to do the things i love to do as much, but when i can… 🙂

      i appreciate your thoughts and support, more and more each day. take care, friend. 🙂

  4. Nice to hear from you, even though it sounds like you are having a real tough time.

    Sending you strength and my best wishes.

    The Quiet Borderline

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