me and january 31 (5:06 a.m.)

it was a horrible weekend. i cannot sleep.

i broke on saturday night. i lost it. i stopped caring. i was downtown. i was scared and confused, and just didn’t give a shit. i remember walking around, stopping and standing in the middle of the street. i got home. nothing made sense. a friend came over at 3 a.m., picked me up and let me sleep on her couch.

i spent all of sunday in my room. i couldn’t bother to do anything, even take my meds. i watched a couple of movies, with no fucking interest at all.

on monday morning i woke up and i had a message from my dad. he had emailed me this. he and i ended up talking on the phone, and i broke down crying – something i rarely do with anybody, especially him. i told him i was sick of being sick. i told him i couldn’t deal with this anymore.

i told him i was scared. really fucking scared.

and he told me he would do what he could to help.

but that’s the thing. there isn’t really anything anybody can do, right? i have people in my life who are amazing. i appreciate every thing.

 

i will see the doctor soon. i will bring up the possibility of E.C.T. and even the Special K.

whatever might help.

i feel like time is running out.

 

thank you, everybody.

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~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2012/01/31.

11 Responses to “me and january 31 (5:06 a.m.)”

  1. Please check with your doc immediately regarding ECT. The more I research it the more hope I have for your happiness. I love and adore you

  2. I wish I had something useful to say, but since I don’t…well, just, I’m sorry things are so shit right now, and really hope that you find something to help you out of this whether that’s ECT or whatever.

    Easy to say and not to do, but please take care of yourself as best you can.

    *hugs*

    Pan x

  3. Hey! I have nominated you for The Candle Lighter Award. You can claim it below and do as you wish with it!

    http://quietbpd.wordpress.com/2012/01/31/the-candle-lighter-award/

    Congratulations.

    The Quiet Borderline
    http://quietbpd.wordpress.com/

  4. So sorry you are feeling so s**tty. It sucks.

    But it will pass. Try to tell yourself that. I am also guilty of not being kind to myself and making myself suffer more than I need to. I don’t know why we do this to ourselves. We do not deserve it. You deserve so much better.

    I hope that time is a healer and that you are reaching out to wherever you can for help. Please do that.

    The Quiet Borderline
    http://quietbpd.wordpress.com/

    • as much as i wish i wasn’t that hard on myself – there is something inside me that says that i deserve every bit of this. i don’t know why, and as much as i tell myself that i deserve to be happy – i don’t really know if i believe that.

      thank you for being there. 🙂

  5. Sean!! This is so hard… I understand. Always keep up the good fight. You are worth the fight!
    I have thought of ECT myself… it feels drastic, but hey… i would nearly try anything at this point.
    Life is hard man… even more so for us. And I have slept on friends couches. If that’s what you must do to get through it, never be afraid to ask for help. I think my life has been saved by those awesome friends.
    You can do it… i have faith.

    • i know what you mean. when you go through it for so long, you reach a point where you become willing to try anything. everything else hasn’t helped, so let’s see what happens.

      thank you so much for your support. hopefully we all will make it through this.

  6. I’m still resistant to ECT, as I have this lingering irrational fear that I would end up vapid, uninteresting, and even more forgetful than I am now. Also, I have this new fantasy that something is physically wrong with my brain (small head injury when I was very young, and more recently little knots on my scalp associated with recurring headaches) & I wd not be eligible for ECT anyway. I think to myself, if I have inoperable brain cancer, then I can finally make my exit and it won’t even be suicide! Other people think like that, too, right? Right?

    • i absolutely think like that. i’ve had those fantasies before that involve some sort of disease that would do my work for me.

      that would be my fear too with the ECT, however, at this point, it’s a chance i feel like i have to take.

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