me and january 24

brain zaps.

that’s what they are. if you google them, your next question will be whether or not i am off my medication.

no, i am not.

i have been getting them way more often lately. at the most random times. they literally feel like a small zap to my brain, and for anywhere from one second to 15 seconds, i am lost. i bet my facial expression is ridiculous. sometimes i feel them and i see things – spots, animals, shadows, etc. last week i had one and i backed my car into a pole. nothing serious, thank goodness…but scary all the same.

i don’t feel safe anymore unless i am home, the doors locked, the blinds closed, and i am alone. i could pull the blanket over my head and simply just survive until it is all over. please…let me have that.

i am falling apart.

it’s becoming more and more difficult to wake up every day and get through it.

the medicine pushes me up so high and knocks me back down and i remember being fifteen years old and the zombie-like effect it had on me, and before you go telling me how that is no way to live…

this. THIS is no way to live. being so scared of everything. in constant battle with your mind. i think inside i haven’t stopped crying in almost twenty years.

this is seriously no way to live.

i could walk around in a medicine coma and not feel my own hands and feeling nothing is way more attractive then the feelings i have now.

if you are reading this, and you are lucky enough to not have to deal with this shit…be grateful. be super fucking incredibly grateful.

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~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2012/01/24.

10 Responses to “me and january 24”

  1. I’ve been through the same in the past so I hear ya.

    What does your psychiatrist say? No adjustments or changes can be made with your meds?

    Feel good,

    The Quiet Borderline
    http://quietbpd.wordpress.com/

  2. I feel ya
    I am thinking your med combo is not working or the dosage is way off.
    Have you tried “mindfulness”? I know… people always have advice… but seriously, for myself, it has helped. Nothing makes me 100%, but any avenue to mental feel-better-ness is worth checkin out.
    Hope you feel better my friend.

    Any idea what these brain zaps are from?? That is crazy shiz.

    • I have no idea where these zaps are coming from, but I used to have them and now they seem to be coming back with a vengeance. they are super scary, because i never know when they are coming or how long they will last.
      what is mindfulness? I don’t know if i have heard of it before.

  3. I want to urge you to talk to your Pdoc. Your meds aren’t doing you any good. Isolation, agoraphobia. Get in touch ASAP. You shouldn’t have to live your life this way.

  4. oh geeze….that’s intense. I too think maybe you should ask your dr sooner rather than later about this. Please keep up updated.

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