me and january 16

please, describe how it feels in your head.

‘it’s five voices. ten voices. maybe one hundred. and they are always talking. most of the time i have no clue what they are saying. i just know they are talking. sometimes they include me in the conversation. sometimes i am important to them. i can never shut them up. imagine that for a moment. it’s never quiet. i think that is why sometimes i cannot handle talking to people. i think it’s partly why my brain is exhausted all the time.’

 

describe how this affects you on a day to day basis.

‘i don’t feel connected to anybody. i feel alien. i feel horrible and fucked up and stupid and goofy and full of sadness. if i were around fifty people with mental illnesses i would still feel alone. i am in a completely negative and honest place right now where i can’t really find the strength to be positive about things. there are so many clouds. and they are fucking dark. i should just laugh and make jokes about it because really it’s either that or those cracks in my brain begin to open up even more and i begin picking out curtains for my room at the nuthouse.’

 

do you feel like you deserve love?

‘of course not. yes. maybe. depends on the day.’

 

what about today?

‘no comment.’

 

why are you so negative?

‘i know. i completely am. i go through stages where i am perfectly content with what is happening to me. i even wonder how it would really feel to be happy. i can’t imagine living a life where i didn’t have to spend every single minute of my day trying my best not to end it. but then sometimes i just can’t help it. i am envious of these other blogs that i read where you can see the hope that they have. it’s actually wonderful to see it. i used to have it. i hope they never lose it. it’s that hope that is going to keep them alive until they are stable. i just wish i had it.’

 

– cigarette break. 10:15 p.m. –

– back. 10:23 p.m. –

– there is a silence. a long one. it’s lasted twenty-one minutes so far, and is showing no sign of stopping. –

 

guess that is it for the night.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2012/01/16.

4 Responses to “me and january 16”

  1. Rae these the voices that just run your mind?? Nonstop conversations and images??
    Or are you Schizophrenic and LITERALLY have voices. 🙂 Tell me if I am being too nosy.

  2. when it comes to this, i want to be as honest as possible. there is nothing you can ask that would make me think you are being too nosy. 🙂 it’s the best way i can describe how loud and aggravating my mind is. i suppose i could have said also that it is like having a radio on at full blast and all you hear is the static.

    but i have been diagnosed with schizophrenic tendencies in the past. i used to hear voices and see things quite often, and i fear that they are coming back. sometimes i do hear things that are not there, and just lately i’ve begun to see things that i know do not exist.

  3. It is a good thing you know they do not exist. 🙂 I had 2 experiences…with very load sounds and music… perhaps I will write about it today. It tripped me out but I was in awe because I knew it was not real.
    What med combo are you on??
    They just changed mine up again, mostly to help me pay out of pocket because I am losing medical insurance. I now take Lamictal, Haldol, and clonozepam… and heart and thyroid medicine. LMAO. I don’t know it it is age or all this shit I have to take that makes everything else break down.

    • i don’t always know that they do not exist. sometimes it takes a few seconds, and sometimes a few minutes. it is super scary though.

      i am on adderall (to give me some sort of pulse) trileptal, and restoril. for now. we’ll see what else we can add to the mix later. haha. yeah, my doctor tries his hardest to prescribe me things that aren’t too terribly expensive, but he can only do so much.

      i’m sorry you are losing your insurance. are there any programs locally that can help you out? i’m trying to look into stuff here to see.

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