me and december 28 (late night/early morning)

sleep was there. for a moment.

i was tired. i brushed my teeth. i got into bed. i closed my eyes.

my body tensed up. i could see the shadows dancing on the back of my eyelids.

my mind woke up.

i am so tired.

sleep isn’t coming for a while.

 

i can’t stop thinking about ECT.

i’ve been reading stories about the different experiences of people, and even the worst possible outcomes seem to be better than what i am dealing with right now. but of course comes all the other worries. i have no insurance. i have no money. i have to work. is it possible that i could become a vegetable? if so, could i have myself compassionately killed? i’m not worried about the short-term memory loss–as most of the medications from my past have pretty much done a number on my memory already. my biggest worry is that i will go through the treatments–that i will not feel any better, and that i will have lost everything in the process.

 

it is 12:45 in the morning.

i just want to sleep.

no ambien. no warm milk. no booze. no beating my head against the wall.

i hope no dreams. no more dreams. i can’t stand them any more.

 

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~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2011/12/28.

4 Responses to “me and december 28 (late night/early morning)”

  1. So sorry you are going through a tough time.

    The head psychiatrist here at the hospital also said about ECT treatment. But I hope that I am coming out of the depression naturally and just very slowly with help of medications. I also don’t want to have to have ECT. It’s a big time last resort.

    We’ve got a lot of hard work to do but let’s hope that it will all be worth it in the end.

    Take care.

    The Quiet Borderline
    http://quietbpd.wordpress.com/

    • thank you so much.
      yes, it’s really the last thing that i would want to do–but i feel like i’ve exhausted all other options now.
      i really hope you are able to get to a comfortable point in your life with the medications. i will send you all my good thoughts. 🙂
      we shall keep going.

      • Thanks. Best wishes to you too.

        Maybe you can do the ECT? It’s a pretty advanced technique. I’ve seen several people in the hospital do it and it worked wonders for most of them.

        I wish you luck with whatever decision you make.

        The Quiet Borderline
        http://quietbpd.wordpress.com/

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