me and december 28 (late night/early morning)
sleep was there. for a moment.
i was tired. i brushed my teeth. i got into bed. i closed my eyes.
my body tensed up. i could see the shadows dancing on the back of my eyelids.
my mind woke up.
i am so tired.
sleep isn’t coming for a while.
i can’t stop thinking about ECT.
i’ve been reading stories about the different experiences of people, and even the worst possible outcomes seem to be better than what i am dealing with right now. but of course comes all the other worries. i have no insurance. i have no money. i have to work. is it possible that i could become a vegetable? if so, could i have myself compassionately killed? i’m not worried about the short-term memory loss–as most of the medications from my past have pretty much done a number on my memory already. my biggest worry is that i will go through the treatments–that i will not feel any better, and that i will have lost everything in the process.
it is 12:45 in the morning.
i just want to sleep.
no ambien. no warm milk. no booze. no beating my head against the wall.
i hope no dreams. no more dreams. i can’t stand them any more.
alltheavenueslookugly 
So sorry you are going through a tough time.
The head psychiatrist here at the hospital also said about ECT treatment. But I hope that I am coming out of the depression naturally and just very slowly with help of medications. I also don’t want to have to have ECT. It’s a big time last resort.
We’ve got a lot of hard work to do but let’s hope that it will all be worth it in the end.
Take care.
The Quiet Borderline
http://quietbpd.wordpress.com/
thank you so much.
yes, it’s really the last thing that i would want to do–but i feel like i’ve exhausted all other options now.
i really hope you are able to get to a comfortable point in your life with the medications. i will send you all my good thoughts. 🙂
we shall keep going.
Thanks. Best wishes to you too.
Maybe you can do the ECT? It’s a pretty advanced technique. I’ve seen several people in the hospital do it and it worked wonders for most of them.
I wish you luck with whatever decision you make.
The Quiet Borderline
http://quietbpd.wordpress.com/
i hope i can, eventually.
and if/when i do, i will absolutely share it on here with the world. 🙂