me and december 13

crowds of people i don’t really know scare the shit out of me, so i spent most of last weekend drunk or hungover–which means i neglected to take my medicine on sat. and sun. evening which was a stupid thing to do. but sometimes i don’t care. sometimes i need the escape. sometimes i want to smile and be social and sarcastic without being snarky. sometimes it is amazing not to feel so shitty, even if it is only for a few hours.

this downward slope i have been on has been going on for way too long. things get progressively worse with each day, and it is just so overwhelming. i am an irritable mess. i just want to sleep and sleep and sleep and not dream and drool. i want the lights to stay off. i want the phone to not ring.

but of course i don’t want any of those things. that’s just silly.

i only know that i want to feel better.

i want life to be exciting. i want to feel. i want to stop being scared that i will have a mid-day mental shattering that will send me running off into the middle of nowhere and telling nobody where i am going so that i can just climb a tree and live there until i feel like just letting go.

and the wolves can eat my body and bones.

i’m so fucking whiny, and i’m sorry.

if you had any idea how bad this hurts…you’d forgive me.

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~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2011/12/13.

3 Responses to “me and december 13”

  1. I forgive you 🙂

    You don’t need to make excuses for yourself. It sounds like you’re having a tough time.

    I hope you feel better soon.

    The Quiet Borderline
    http://quietbpd.wordpress.com/

  2. *hug*

  3. thank you both. seriously. 🙂
    it’s hard to get used to being able just to say whatever without feeling like i’m just whining and being all ‘woe is me.’

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