me and december 05

i have become so alone in my head, and while i feel alone and it appears to be so, i also feel a hundred little eyeballs watering as they watch me and wonder just how much longer i can go on.

after playing phone tag with the doctor since last week, i finally got a call today saying he wanted me off the other medication (fanapt) and not to increase it. i told them it was making me incredibly drowsy, and while i am more than willing to accept a daytime zombie mind where i can go through the motions of living while not feeling so scared–(fanapt) was just a bullshit try that kept me drowsy as hell and still aware of all the sorrow. i go tomorrow morning to pick up samples of a new drug (again) and see how it goes.

whatever.

it’s just so hard for me to get excited anymore about the medications. or really anything for that matter. i’m finding it way more difficult to keep up the smiles in front of people and that scares me. i don’t want to be the person nobody wants to see because he is just too goddamn frowny. but i’m starting to break more in front of people. i can see it, and i am sure they can too.

i am so irritable and mentally exhausted and suffering from horrible anorexic stabbing pains in my stomach and finding myself so close to crying at movies and television when they are both happy and sad and being scared about everything in this world and the guilt (the fucking guilt) just keeps gnawing on the inside of my arms and legs and the clouds are getting darker and my nightmares are an all-day exercise and all i can do is keep walking as fast as i can to keep from arriving at the moment when the sun refuses to shine any longer, the howling in my head finally deafens me and everything goes black.

the curtain falls.

and the house lights turn on.

oh…silly december.

take care, you guys.

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~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2011/12/05.

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