me and november 29
hi doctor ************. i missed you today. you never called me back. it’s okay though. sure? yep.
so, we must get aggressive with this treatment plan.
i need a break so badly. a small small fucking tiny relief. these highs and lows are insane. actually, my highs haven’t been high at all lately. i do have brief periods of my day where i experience this weird sort of calm. but it is fleeting. super fleeting. i really need something that will make me smile (a big smile!) and give me five minutes in my day where the noise calms down and i am not a paranoid fucking nut who can’t shut his mind off long enough to think about everything i am currently thinking about. something that isn’t going to leave me a groggy zombie of a mess for most of the following day. i need to sleep. i need a good sleep. i don’t care if you come over to my house every night and kick me in the eyeballs until i pass out. if i can sleep, i’ll thank you when i’m able to see again. it’s been too many years of trying this and that. no more. i’m tired of being so annoyed. i’m tired of not wanting to hear anybody talk. i’m tired of being so anxious and impatient. get it?
i know you doctor folks. i know there is a magic pill somewhere out there that you fucking people are hiding away that will cause my stomach to explode when i take it, and as i’m scrambling around trying to pick my slippery guts off the ground while at the same time marveling that this is the thinnest i have looked in years, i can do this with a smile on my face and maybe instead of spending our sessions with me on the brink of tears and sounding like a whiny fucking child, i can pay you the money and we can tell each other knock-knock jokes for half an hour.
i’m beyond caring that much about what the medicines will do to me. my body is already a fucking mess. if you know of something that will help, i don’t care if the side effects include a bloody nipple discharge, uncontrollable vomiting, a complete annihilation of my sex drive, and/or an itchy scalp.
please. please.
alltheavenueslookugly 
I wish there was a pill to make me happy and smile too. I ask the doctor every month. I don’t think there is a single legal drug to make a person feel true happiness. But if you need a good laugh… I have a really funny and embarrassing picture of Oliver when he was less than three months old if you want to see it? That’s what I do now. Feel better.
Thank you, Kristi. Yes, lets see this embarrassing photo! š
Any time you want to get away, all you have to do is ask. You know we’ll take care of the arrangements and all if need be.
It’s like looking in a mirror, in a dark room where I can’t see anything. You sound so like I sound (to myself) when I’m in an agitated depression. (Which isn’t now. Now I’m just in a regular old depression, nice and hopeless.) This especially struck me: “as iām scrambling around trying to pick my slippery guts off the ground while at the same time marveling that this is the thinnest i have looked in years …” Your writing is so honest (not like “factual,” although it may be, but more like such a precise, unflinching expression of your experience) and visceral I feel like I’m in a desolate, wasted landscape in your head when I read you. I think you are my new favorite blog. Thank you for existing!
Thank you so much. I really appreciate you reading, and taking the time to say such nice things. I’ve definitely noticed that I go back and forth between the agitated depression to just the regular one. I hate the agitated times so much worse. I can handle feeling horrible, but it hurts me when I make others feel horrible as well. Take care!