me and november 14

sometimes it is the times when i am most carefree that i feel the worse.

i think of the end.

i think of the songs, the eulogies and the fantastic feeling of not feeling.

i think of booze and of drinks of all the empty glasses and all the times i stared at myself thru the bottom of these empty glasses and how i felt fantastic and how i knew it wouldn’t last.

i think of all those i’ve hurt and lost.

i think my head just might explode into a million pieces of ‘i’m sorry.’

i wish i could be bubbly. i wish i could be amazing. i wish i were ordinary and plain and sewed and made stupid art that nobody loved and i didn’t care and loved watching the sun rise and appreciated the beauty in that and if i could just leave it all…

someday.

i love hotel rooms. i love the uncertainty.

i love the fantasy.

i fucking love fantasies.

i could be anybody. i could be happy. i could be a wonderful person and shine.

i don’t want compliments. i just want to say that there is nobody in the world who could hate me more than myself. i swear.

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~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2011/11/14.

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