me and october 26

october is almost over. the weather is finally changing.

it’s been rough. i’ve barely slept for the past few weeks, and when i do it is short, haunted, and unnecessary.

my mind feels like it is cracking apart. everything is beginning to not make sense or feels like i am looking at it while my face is covered in plastic wrap. i wake up sometimes and i can remember the nightmares–but as i wrote before, it is becoming difficult to tell if i had just dreamed it or it was real. it is a more frequent version of life that mirrors that horrible experience i had a couple of months ago on that medication (please read: elavil and sleep paralysis?)

i become scared. did i say something? did i do something? am i just fucking paranoid? and if i don’t remember doing it, who is to say that next time (if there is a next time) i don’t do something worse to myself?

i’m finding it harder to interact sometimes with people and even with the dogs. i’m so jittery. i’m so nervous. i’m so irritable. trying to hang in there. i haven’t been to my psychiatrist in almost two months and my next appointment isn’t until nov. 02. the poor guy is going to frown.

i wish i could tell him.

i want to leave. i want to create a quiet and sad spot to live out the rest of my life. somewhere where i can’t hurt anybody. somewhere where we can just let this disease do what it is going to do. somewhere where i don’t have to be scared.

october is always that month. since i was a kid. there’s something about october.

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~ by alltheavenueslookugly on 2011/10/26.

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