september 28 – sleep acquired (part 04)
they pointed me to the bed and i fucking hit it hard.
it was around eight p.m. on monday night and with no meds, i slept through the night. and the morning. and the next afternoon.
it was the most haunted sleep i have ever had in my life. i can’t imagine the position my brain must have been in from all that had happened over the past week, so i can’t say that i am surprised, but christ, it was one sleepy and awake nightmare after another. at times i’m sure the light would go, that goddamn fluorescent light that would burn my hair and the staff would poke their head in the door and i could see their mouth moving but no words coming out even while they were screaming and jumping up and down beside my bed – and the dark would be no better as i felt eighty people surrounding me and crying and then laughing and giving each other hi-fives and then there were bugs and my blanket would shrink so that i couldn’t cover myself and i was freezing cold from that plastic pillow and i would drown myself in drool and i hadn’t met my roommates yet to apologize if i ended up on my back and was snoring loud or anything like that. but i slept past those disgusting and awful dreams. somehow.
i was awakened sporadically so that they could check my vitals, give me my meds, ask me if i wanted to go to group (nope) and if i wanted lunch (nope again.)
they hadn’t allowed me to bring my medications in, so they started me on a new regimen that included citalopram, and risperidone, along with the benzatropine and the beta blocker. now that i am home i won’t take the risperidone, as the side effects are too much. it gives me the restless legs that last from the time i take it to the next day. fuck no. and i am kind of worried about the citalopram, as it is an SSRI and i really despise those. (i’m trying to work on a post that explains just why i hate them so much. coming soon.)
so i got the sleep i needed, and when i woke up, finally, i felt better. i was no longer suicidal, but i was starving and wanted a cigarette so bad. the food is shit in this place, especially if you don’t eat meat, so yeah, i didn’t eat much. i stayed awake for a few hours on tuesday night and then went to sleep (thanks to the risperidone) and slept through the night. wednesday morning during ‘breakfast’ they asked who was ready to be discharged. i told them i was ready to leave, and after talking with my doctor, they let me go. i couldn’t believe how easy it had been, but they said that usually the maximum stay was 3-5 days and if one needed more care they would be transferred somewhere else. this place was more of an emergency ‘get shit right in your head until you stop wanting to die’ kind of place. if you felt comfortable with the medication, and you entered the unit voluntarily, then you could pretty much leave when you liked. so i feel better knowing that if something like this happens again, i have somewhere i can go where i am not necessarily required to be gone for weeks, unlike the other places i have been.
i went yesterday to try and get the assistance from the MHMRA, and it looks like i am eligible for a plan that will only cost me 42 dollars a month. this should include my prescriptions and doctor visits, and hopefully a therapist i can meet with at least twice a month. i think that would be extremely beneficial.
i will also be seeing a new psychiatrist. i meet him on october 09. until then, i’m just going to try and lay low and keep the stress levels down.
we’ll see how it goes.
alltheavenueslookugly 
What a horrible sounding few days. I’m angry at your doctor for letting you down. I’m so glad you are home and safe.
thank you, jen. yeah, i was kind of pissed at him too. especially when he was the one to tell me i should call him no matter what time of day or night. oh well.
Very Very happy to hear about the new psych! I’m currently juggling two therapists and it has made a huge difference for me, one that I’m ashamed I haven’t been taking advantage of for the past 5 years.
Sleep well, sweet man. There is love & hope all around.
thank you. 😉
i’m really hoping the therapist that MHMRA gives me is one i can stick with. after going through so many i’ve gotten kind of picky. but i am feeling pretty positive about things.
Reading and paying attention Sean. I’m here 😉 thank you for updating us as to how you are doing.
What can I say? Things often get worse before they get better. That’s what I’ve learned through my experience.
But you have some real positives there and I’m so glad to hear you are out of hospital and in the comfort of your own home.
The plan sounds good… Will be reading on x
you are absolutely right. last weekend felt like my rock bottom and i can only hope it gets better from here. it’s looking good in that direction.
thank you so much for everything. you are a wonderful person, and i hope one day we find ourselves standing far out of this hell.
Thanks Sean. I hope so too.
Take care.
Thankyou for posting these words Sean. You have been in my thoughts all week, and I’m so glad to hear you got the help you needed. Although it all sounds really horrible. Hospitals don’t change, do they? All the waiting and humiliation, the incessant questions, and why don’t they cater more for vegetarians these days?
You sound much more confidant. Try to be gentle these next few days, you have been through so much.
Love to you, Elyn ♡
you are so welcome. and i thank you for continuing to read them. i wish sometimes i had more positives to post in here, but with this shit, sometimes there just isn’t much good to talk about. i hope that changes soon.
no, hospitals don’t change. i’ve found that there are really only two types of people who work in them: people who love what they do and it shows, and people who hate what they do and that shows even more sometimes. although, overall, compared to the others i have been in, the staff there was generally much more pleasant and tried to be accommodating. i would go back there in an instant if i needed to.
thank you for sticking with me. your support does mean a lot to me.
❤
Dearest Sean, if there’s only shit in your mind at the moment, that’s what you need to write, and we all gain something from hearing of your experiences. When I write on my ‘pensées sans frontières’ blog, I often feel my words are so depressing, but it has helped me to be able to just get it all out.
And I’m so glad you now know there is a place of safety for you to go if needed, that’s so important when we feel so alone. I wish I had a place like this.
Take special care ♡
I’m sorry you’ve been through this, man. I’m glad you’re okay, and I hope your new therapist proves helpful. Like Elyn above, I’m glad you got sleep – I know that’s something that’s often been difficult for you.
I’ve been a little absent from the blog-reading lately (read: busy/lazy/depressed), but if it makes any difference, you still crop up in my thoughts.
I hope things improve for you. Take care.
thanks, man. i am the same way with the attention i give to the other blogs. i read them all, but just find myself at a loss for words when it comes to trying to offer support without it sounding cliche. but i do read them.
i hope things are well for you too. take care, man.