me and february 06
the lamictal rash.
i think it hit me last night.
i was sitting on the couch and suddenly i itched.
the last time i was on lamictal – years ago, i actually got the rash on my dick. i remember freaking out and trying to do a mental inventory of everyone i had slept with recently. there had been nobody. i called my doctor. i told her what was happening. she told me to stop my lamictal immediately and if the rash did not go away within a couple of days, to go to the emergency room. as soon as i stopped the medicine, it went away.
last night i itched. this time it was on my lower stomach.
i scratched it.
and then it itched again. and then it burned.
i looked at it and it was bad. gross. like a nasty razor burn chicken pox poison ivy reaction.
i couldn’t stop scratching it.
then it went to my arms.
stupid little red bumps. yuck and ugly.
and after a couple of hours it stopped.
i still took my lamictal last night. i can’t be sure that this is because of the lamictal, but i’m fairly confident that it is.
and it returned again tonight.
same spots. same redness and bumpy skin.
and it isn’t enough to get me to stop taking the medicine.
see, in the few weeks since i have been on the lamictal and wellbutrin combo, i have noticed little changes here and there. my mood has improved. i am still depressed. i am still horrible to myself and have such sad thoughts – but i can tell a difference. it isn’t as bad. or at least it hasn’t felt as awful lately.
i say all of this because i know the medical risks associated with these rashes. i know that they can potentially be deadly (but it’s a very small chance), and i don’t really care.
i find it to be bullshit that after years and years of different pills and combinations and thousands of dollars spent, that now that i’ve found a cocktail that has the potential to help me not feel so much like shit – that this has to be the side-effect. fuck that.
i hope this gives people an idea of just how bad it can be to live with this depression. i would actually prefer to live with this rash, or take my chances that it could be something worse, if it meant my mental health were better. if it has the chance to make me smile more, or for me to stop forcing people out of my life, or for me to be in a healthy relationship – then yes, it’s worth exploring. i know how ridiculous how sounds. you don’t have to tell me that.
it is so frustrating.
i’ll keep you all updated.
hope everyone is doing well.