thirty-three years old.
mental illness. bipolar 2 or NOS. borderline personality disorder. anxiety. possibly treatment resistant to medication. self-harm and suicide tendencies.
numerous psychiatric hospitalizations since i was 14 years old. sometimes for weeks. sometimes for months.
numerous unsuccessful suicide attempts. (obviously unsuccessful attempts)
currently hosting many many sub-disorders.
horrible side effect aficionado.
this cannot be a self-help blog, as i am in no position to judge anybody or to give any advice. i cannot be a hypocrite and try to get somebody to not do something when i have either done it myself or am currently doing the same thing.
i certainly won’t encourage any self-destructive behavior.
that being said, i do welcome any serious discourse, ideas, supportive suggestions to others.
also questions. if personal, questions can be sent to my email address. i won’t share anything about them on here without permission from the sender.
i’m just going to keep writing until i’m done. until i feel like i’ve shared everything i can. i have twenty years of suffering that needs to come out in a way that doesn’t leave me with anymore scars or late night trips to the emergency room.
maybe this will make things better. maybe my life will be a little more tolerable. maybe it will at least help people understand more about the diseases.
maybe it will all blow up in my fucking face.
early warning: almost every entry on here is going to contain triggers for such issues as self-harm, alcohol/drug addiction, suicidal behaviors, major depressive disorders, eating disorders, etc. please read at your own risk.
there are so many people who suffer with this. if you are lucky, you find that right medication(s) that makes life manageable. you go on and have (at least) semi-normal relationships, a much sunnier disposition, and you play fetch with your golden retriever in the commercial while the sun sets behind you.
and then there people like me.
a few things:
1. i have every intention of being as honest as i can be, while still respecting that there are people who are close to me that might read this, and it wouldn’t be fair to discuss them without their consent. some names, dates, events, etc. will be changed for that reason, but do know that ANY feeling i put out there is completely accurate. if i find another way to convey it, that will happen. but just know that the feelings, the guilt, the dreams, the hallucinations, and the delusions are all real. please don’t bother any of my friends or family with any of this. they have endured and continue to endure way more than they should. i will answer any questions you ask, so feel free to comment on here or email me. also, if there’s something specific you want to hear about, let me know. no turning back now.
2. i have written about some of this in the past, but always under the safety of a fictional character. this is not going to be easy to read, just as it is not going to be easy to talk about. and honestly there may be things on here that cause alarm. if it does, please talk to me first. sometimes i just say shit in my head, and sometimes it sounds a lot worse if someone else were to hear it. after so long, and after so many years of knowing what was safe and not safe to talk about with others, i might say things as i vent. i wouldn’t make a serious threat on here as far as my health goes, so please don’t send any paramedics to my house without talking to me first.
3. i realize there is a certain amount of responsibility that i take by saying this stuff. i am in no way advocating ANY of the choices i have made when it comes to coping with this disease. in fact, i would suggest to others that they stay far away from the negative coping methods that i have tried over the years. everyone deals with things in their own way, and this is/was mine. hopefully by reading this you might gain some insight that might help you understand/deal with your husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend, friend, family member a little better. if so, wonderful. it would be nice to know that i didn’t go through all of this for nothing.
thanks for reading.